Why Self-Awareness Changes Everything for Autistic Individuals
- Staci Neustadt
- 8 hours ago
- 5 min read
One of the biggest things autistic individuals need from you, from me, from parents, from therapists isn’t more correction or teaching.
It’s someone truly noticing them.
This week on Making Sense of Autism, Susan Golubock and I had one of the most emotional conversations we’ve had in a long time about self-awareness, people pleasing, connection, and what actually helps autistic individuals want to communicate and connect. Hearing Sue describe these experiences in her own words was incredibly powerful, and I really encourage you to watch the full conversation after reading this blog.
Why So Many Autistic Individuals Disconnect From Themselves
So many autistic individuals grow up constantly hearing:
Stop doing that
Be more flexible
Use your words
Calm down
Make eye contact
Stop talking about that topic
Act appropriately
Over time, many begin focusing more on surviving other people’s expectations than understanding themselves.
Some become people pleasers.
Some fight back.
Some shut down.
Some avoid social interaction completely.
But underneath all of those responses is often the same feeling:
“I don’t feel understood.”
Sue explained in the video that growing up, she only received positive feedback when she acted the way other people wanted her to act.
Not when she was herself.
Not when she explored her own interests.
Not when she experienced the world differently.
And because of that, she learned to focus almost entirely on meeting other people’s expectations.
Honestly, I think many neurodivergent individuals can relate to this feeling.
The Moment That Changed Sue’s Life
One of the most powerful moments in the conversation was when Sue described a seemingly simple interaction that completely changed how she viewed herself and relationships.
Someone came to interview her because they genuinely wanted to hear her perspective.
Not to correct her.
Not to teach her.
Not to fix her.
Just to understand her.
Sue explains in the video that this was the first time she truly experienced someone taking interest in who she was as a person. And hearing her describe how deeply that impacted her emotionally honestly stopped me in my tracks.
This is the part of the conversation we especially hope parents, therapists, and teachers listen to.
Because it highlights something we often miss:
Self-awareness grows through connection.
Self-Awareness Is the Foundation of Social Communication
One of the biggest misunderstandings in therapy and education is thinking social skills exist separately from emotional safety and self-awareness.
They don’t.
In our Soft Skills Triangle, social communication sits in the middle of the triangle — not at the foundation. (See the triangle in the video)
Why?
Because skills like:
perspective taking
conversational reciprocity
self-advocacy
emotional regulation
flexible communication
depend on foundational skills underneath them:
self-awareness
sensory awareness
body awareness
emotional understanding
nervous system regulation
understanding personal strengths and barriers
This is why so many therapists and teachers say: “They know what to say, but they don’t do it.”
The issue is often not knowledge.
The issue is that the skill has no emotional meaning yet.
If someone does not understand themselves…does not feel safe…does not feel valued…does not recognize their own stress signals…
then many “social skills” strategies stay surface level and never naturally generalize.
Sue explains this connection beautifully in the video using both her own life experiences and examples from autistic individuals she has supported over the years.
Curiosity Changes Everything
As professionals and parents, we are often trained to immediately analyze and correct behavior.
But what if we slowed down first?
What if we became curious instead?
Instead of: “How do we stop this?”
We might ask:
What are they communicating?
What does this mean to them?
What helps them feel safe?
What are they seeking?
What feels overwhelming right now?
That shift changes everything.
Autistic individuals can feel the difference between someone trying to control them and someone genuinely trying to understand them.
And honestly, this is true for humans in general.
We all want to feel seen.
Non-Speaking Communication Still Deserves Curiosity
One of my favorite parts of this conversation was hearing Sue talk about non-speaking autistic individuals and how important it is to notice the ways they are already communicating.
A child lining up toys is communicating.
A child repeating phrases is communicating.
A child crashing into cushions may be communicating a sensory need.
A child moving close to you may be seeking connection.
Instead of immediately redirecting, we can observe first.
We can join.
We can imitate.
We can become curious.
Sue shares a powerful example in the video about joining an autistic child’s pattern of play and how that simple moment completely changed the interaction. I really encourage you to listen to that section because it perfectly explains what true connection can look like.
Self-Awareness Leads to Self-Advocacy
One reason self-awareness matters so deeply is because it becomes the foundation for self-advocacy.
If someone cannot identify:
their stress signals
sensory needs
emotional experiences
strengths
barriers
preferences
then asking them to advocate for themselves becomes incredibly difficult.
Many autistic individuals are expected to self-advocate before they even fully understand themselves.
That’s backwards.
Self-awareness comes first.
When autistic individuals begin understanding:
“My body feels overwhelmed in loud spaces.”
“I need movement to focus.”
“I shut down when questions feel too complex.”
“I communicate better with visual support.”
“I need processing time.”
…then self-advocacy starts becoming meaningful.
Not because we forced it.
Because it finally connects to their lived experience.
Social Skills Are Human Skills
One thing I loved about this conversation is how much it applies beyond autism too.
These are human needs.
Every person wants:
safety
understanding
connection
curiosity instead of judgment
emotional validation
But autistic individuals often experience misunderstanding more intensely and more frequently.
That’s why shame-based approaches and compliance-focused support often backfire.
You cannot build authentic connection through constant correction.
But you can build it through curiosity.
What You Can Do Today
You do not need a complicated lesson plan to begin supporting self-awareness.
Start simple.
Observe Before Correcting
Pause and ask: “What might this behavior be communicating?”
Narrate What You Notice
Try:
“I notice your body keeps moving.”
“I see you covering your ears.”
“I notice you keep coming back to this activity.”
Join Their Interests
Instead of pulling them away from what matters to them, step into it with them.
That connection matters more than we often realize.
Get Curious About Their Perspective
Not: “What should they be thinking?”
But: “What are they experiencing?”
That shift alone can completely change your relationship.
Final Thoughts
So many autistic individuals spend years adapting themselves to survive environments that never truly took interest in who they were.
But when someone slows down…listens…observes…joins…and becomes genuinely curious…
self-awareness begins to grow.
And from that self-awareness comes:
self-advocacy
emotional regulation
social connection
confidence
trust
Not because we forced skills.
Because we built connection first.
And honestly, hearing Sue explain this through her own lived experience was incredibly moving.
The emotion and insight in this week’s conversation is something I think many parents, therapists, teachers, and autistic individuals will deeply relate to.
You can watch the full conversation on below and let us know in the comments:
What happens when someone truly takes interest in you?
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