They’re Not Refusing — They’re Not Ready

Understanding Unready States in Autistic Children

“Why does my child always say no?”

“They can do it sometimes… so why not now?”

“Is this avoidance, defiance, or something else?”

If you’ve ever asked yourself one of these questions as a parent, teacher, or therapist, you’re not alone. And more importantly—you’re not failing.

What you may be missing isn’t effort, consistency, or skill. You may be missing readiness.

When “No” Isn’t Defiance

In autism, behavior is often misunderstood. What looks like refusal, avoidance, shutdown, or even chaos is frequently interpreted as a choice:

• They’re being oppositional

• They’re not motivated

• They know how to do this

  
  

But for many autistic individuals, “no” is the safest response when their system isn’t ready.

Not because they don’t want to comply.

Not because they don’t understand.

But because they don’t yet have access—to processing time, energy, clarity, or regulation.

This is what we call an unready state.

What Is an Unready State?

An unready state doesn’t mean a skill is missing forever.It means the skill is not accessible in that moment.

Unready states can show up when:

• Language is processed more slowly than expectations allow

• Directions are phrased differently than before

• Emotional or sensory load is already high

• Physical energy is depleted

• The context doesn’t match how the skill was taught

  
  

In these moments, pushing harder doesn’t help. It often makes things worse.

The Hidden Cost of Misreading Readiness

When unready states are misread as behavior problems, autistic individuals often experience:

• Increased anxiety

• Freezing or shutting down

• Masking or people-pleasing

• Avoidance to stay safe

• Loss of trust in adults and helpers

  
  

Over time, they may stop trying—not because they can’t learn, but because learning no longer feels safe.

🎥 Watch the Full Conversation

In this week’s video, Staci Neustadt, Speech-Language Pathologist and CEO of Making Sense of Autism, sits down with Susan Golubock, an autistic, retired Occupational Therapist, to talk openly about:

• What unready states feel like from the autistic perspective

• Why saying “no” is often about safety and processing

• How adult tone and urgency impact regulation

• Why pushing skills too soon leads to shutdown—not growth

• What actually helps readiness emerge

  
  

👉 Watch the full video below

(This conversation is especially helpful if you’re feeling stuck, repeating the same goals, or questioning traditional behavior-based approaches.)