Tired of Power Struggles?

A Better Way to Work with Strong-Willed Children

Power struggles with strong-willed children can feel exhausting—but they’re often a sign that something in the moment feels too big, too fast, or out of the child’s control.

I remember hearing someone say: “You won’t win the battle with a strong-willed child.”

And I remember thinking…Why do I need to win?

Why does it have to be a battle at all? Why can’t we work together?

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Why Power Struggles Happen with Strong-Willed Children

Many of us were taught:

• “I’m the adult, so what I say goes.”

• “The teacher is the boss.”

• “Children need to listen.”

  
  

And when children don’t follow through, it can feel frustrating, confusing, and even personal.

But power struggles with children are rarely about defiance.

They often happen when:

• The expectation feels too big

• The child doesn’t feel in control

• Their body is overwhelmed

• They don’t yet have the skills needed

  
  

👉 In these moments, behavior is communication.

The Problem: When Teaching Starts to Feel Like Control

As parents, teachers, and therapists, we do have goals. We want children to learn, grow, and succeed.

But somewhere along the way, teaching can start to feel like controlling behavior.

We repeat ourselves. We push a little harder. We try to get compliance.

And instead of cooperation…we get resistance.

This is where many people start asking: “How do I get my child to listen?”

But a more helpful question might be: “Why does this moment feel hard for them?”

How to Handle Power Struggles Without Punishment

The best way to handle a strong-willed child is not through control—but through connection and collaboration.

Instead of asking: “How do I get them to do this?”

We can shift to: “How do we do this together?”

This is where everything begins to change.

The Shift: From Control to Partnership

What if relationships became the model?

What if we showed children:

• “I need this.”

• “It looks like you need that.”

• “How can we make this work together?”

  
  

What if we:

• explained that rules are there for safety and learning

• modeled flexibility and problem-solving

• said, “I’m sorry, I messed up”

  
  

Because that’s what real relationships look like.

The Real Tension (And What Most People Don’t Talk About)

I’ll be honest—this shift isn’t always easy.

I’ve always leaned toward being child-led. But I also struggled with:

“We have goals to meet.”

What happens when the child has a completely different agenda?

What happens when they’re not interested in what you planned?

The Reframe: Behavior Is Communication

(Even When It Doesn’t Look Like It)

This is where my perspective shifted.

What looked like:

• picking up a toy and dropping it over and over

• touching everything in the room

…used to feel like avoidance or lack of engagement.

Now I see it differently.

I see curiosity. I see exploration. I see a child trying to understand their world.

And when I follow that instead of redirecting it…

Something changes.

Connection increases.Engagement increases. And then learning becomes possible.

A Simple Strategy to Reduce Power Struggles in Everyday Moments

When we model a give-and-take relationship, children begin to understand balance.

You can start with small shifts:

• “Hey, I need ___.”

• “It looks like you need ___.”

• “Let’s figure this out together.”

  
  

It might look like:

• offering sensory input before sitting at the table

• giving quiet time before trying something new

• offering choices instead of demands

  
  

This is not about removing expectations. It’s about creating the conditions where success is possible.

What Happens When You Shift from Control to Connection

When children feel:

• safe

• understood

• included

  
  

They become more willing to:

• engage

• participate

• try

  
  

Not because they were told to…but because the relationship supports it.

Try This Today (Free Resource)

If you’re feeling stuck in power struggles, this is for you.

I created a simple, one-page tool you can use right away:

👉 The 5-Minute Give & Take Reset

This will help you:

• reduce power struggles

• offer choices that actually work

• shift from expectation → invitation

Try it once today and notice what changes.

You Don’t Have to Win

You don’t have to win the battle.

You don’t have to control every moment.

You can build something better.

A relationship where both people matter.

And where learning happens because of connection—not in spite of it.